Well, I don’t know what’s left to
say about our Epic Failure from Thursday night. It’s not exactly like
the pressure or expectations got to us, as we’ve been under pressure
the past several weeks. No, I think this was an epic failure of
fundamentals. Offense, defense, special teams, coaching; nobody gets a
pass this week after dropping the fourth consecutive game to Georgia
The quarterback situation continues to baffle most of us. Although I
would, at this point, like to see more of Harris, I feel like I have to
point out that his two touchdown drives in garbage time were probably
against the scrubs, so take it for what it’s worth. That being said, he
still may be the one we should be giving most of the snaps.
I don’t know what the fack was going on with our inability to tackle
anyone. If there’s any truth to that business about tackling option
players high, then I can only ask, “How’d that work out for us?” This
offense has not been all that prolific this season and they hadn’t put
up over 300 yards, much less 400, in too many games leading up to this
week. Fack Jessie Palmhand, Piss Fowler, and Dreg James for drooling
all over the Jello Yacket’s Navy offense and not knowing why “everybody
doesn’t run it.”
I said it before, but it’s worth being recorded for posterity here.
PNix should have been fired immediately and Bill Young should have had
to hitchhike back to Miami. I can’t remember when I have seen a team so
grossly unprepared for an opponent as we were. (It had to be
preparation, because there is no talent gap between us and GT.)
I’d also like to add a special guest fail this week for DirecTurdV who
can’t seem to figure out why some of my HD programming inconsistently
vanishes. At least it came back online during the 3rd quarter and I
could switch back from low-def.
Now the Fails:
– These standings have become a bad joke at this point, as nobody seems
to want to hang on to their lead. Now, the possibility presents itself
of having two teams back their way into the CG. It’s what we all live
In the Atlantic, It comes down to BC. If they beat MD, they are in. If
they lose, That Clown College for Girls takes it.
The Coastal is also a two horse race. VT will go to Tampon with a win
against VA. GT will replace them if they don’t.
8 teams are bowl-bound. Clemple, NCSP and UVag are all looking to their
final week to join the list. Dook is out.
– Might as well start with us as the first loss of the week and the
biggest Fail. I’m experiencing serious déjà vu when it comes to the
Bees ruining our conference run. Apparently the ‘White Out’ did it’s
job on us. 41-23 Yackets
– For sh!tting the bed two weeks in a row with the division on the
line. Botch figures out a way to bend over for Schleprock. Too bad we
couldn’t benefit from it. I just hope the puppies are a bit
overconfident with the storm coming through this Saturday. 41-10
– Normally I wouldn’t give a crap about this faggot team, but with our
abysmal performance, we were forced to pull for these clowns to beat
one of the most fecal teams in the league. After all the crying the
Cavaqueers did when we beat them, they’ve been unable to substantiate
any claim they may have had to earning any respect. 13-3 Clemple.
– Weak Florist looked like they were going to pull this one off and
keep their hopes alive to slide into Tampon, but BC pulled out the
victory to stay on track. 24-21 Eagles
– Cuntcliffe’s team couldn’t find it’s way to the end zone against
Budweiser’s defense. The Pokies rejoice at our loss in Atlanta and once
again capitalize on the opportunity of Miami’s failure reminiscent of
the mid-to-late 90s. 14-3 VThug
– The Twerps officially shat themselves out of the running by dropping
a big duce at home against That Clown College for Girls. Do you realize
that three of the six ACC losers only scored a single field goal in
their futile campaign? 37-3 Criminoles
Big XII –
OU’s asshwupin’ of TT has now made this a beauty contest in the South.
Apparently the Big XII’s tiebreaker for 3+ team knot is the BcS
standings. That means that Texass would seem to have the upper hand
right now. If OU loses to OSU, then TT would win as long as they beat
Missouri is waiting for the smoke to clear for their opponent to be
7 teams are bowl-bound, 4 are out, and the Buffs teeter on the edge
with a must-win game against Nebrasky this week.
– I think the Pirate had a similar week to the one Miami had. The
Raiders did not look like they were capable of beating their meat, much
less a quality team like Oklahomo. Bradfart did what he needed to do,
and the OU offense just plowed over the Raider’s defense with ease as
if they weren’t even in the same league. I was disappointed as I
thought I would be treated to a good game Saturday night. 65-21 Oklahomo
– The bad news is that even though the Cyclones put up some decent
scoring, their defense just couldn’t hold their end of the bargain. The
good news is that your season is officially over and you can start
healing for next year. 38-30 K State
– For doing his best impression of Matt “crier” Fryer. I hope the
Cowpies stick a cattle prod in you this week and outsmart you with
their Romper Room play cards.
Big East –
With one conference game left against last-place Syracuse, the BCS
berth is Cincinnati’s to lose. Should they fail, WV can claim it by
winning their last two games against Pitt and The Mall
– Wet Vagina rolls into Pizza Stadium and tosses the Cards in the 3rd
with 3 TDs. The Cards are apparently jealous of Syracuse’s basement
dwelling, so they keep pace. 35-21 Mountainqueers
– At 9-2, the Bearcats are starting to look like a respectable team…
Sorry, I guess you can’t see my fake “straight face” over the
internets. Wanstashe’s league title shot drifts away. 28-21 Catbears
– If only your basketball team had shat the bed as well as you did, it
might have salvaged a small sliver joy in my Hurricane sports weekend.
Alas, you went to Tampon and bled out. 17-13 Strip Mall
Big Sham –
The regular season is over. State Penn will be in Pasadena and 6 others
will be making post-season plans. Four teams will be staying home
– D!ck Del Taco’s failure is now complete. That makes 5-in-a-row now,
and 7 of the last 8, that they have failed against blOhio Taint. I
don’t think anyone expected Meatchicken to pull off a W here, but I
don’t think anyone predicted they would get utterly raped in this
rivalry. 42-7 Taint
– The (what da fuk iz a) Hoosiers solidify their spot as the 11th team
in the Big T3n. Hapless Purdue completely destroys them. 62-10
– Win number 6 was what Zook was looking for. Not all that unreasonable
considering they were playing Northwestern. Down early and out late,
and the Illini are home for Christmas. 27-10 Wildcats
– The Spartans were playing for a chance, all be it a slim one, at
winning the Big Sham. State Penn’s strong D had other plans. 49-18 PuSU
– For pretending to be a winner at 7-5, when you’re really a 3-5 team
in the Big Sham. 55-0 Hawkeyes
– Don’t think you were going to avoid the list just because you won.
The Cheesers needed overtime to beat a 1-AA team. I guess the other
three mid-majors you played this year weren’t enough to sufficiently
pad your schedule, so Cal Poly (want a cracker) came to Madison and
froze their asses off and almost gave you the kick to the crotch. 36-35
Cheesers slip by in OT
– ECU awaits the outcome of two games in the West. Houston can take the
division by beating Rice. Tulsa will stay alive by beating Marshall.
Rice will win with a victory and a Tulsa loss.
4 Bowl eligible teams could be joined by 3 more (although 2 is more
likely) and 5 teams are out.
– With postseason hanging in the balance, UniCeF comes in, gets some
barbecue, and hangs loss number six on the Tigers. 28-21 (not so
– TulsaFan was looking for some payback after the embarrassing game
against Houston. I guess hammering Tulame was good in a pinch. 56-7
– The Turds have now dropped 3 in a row and 6 of 7 down the stretch.
Post-season is no longer an option. 35-10 Ricebowl
– The North Mexicans looked like they were going to turn it around this
year and had Houston on the ropes. The Cougars responded with 26 4th
quarter points to seal the win. 42-37 Houston
– Some teams seemingly have no business competing at the 1-A level, and
UAB seems to be consistently one of those teams. Ecoo had a two game
lead on the field and this game was completely meaningless. The score
shows that. 17-13 Butt Pirates
– 2 in, 2 out. Gator Bowl is a done deal. The Middies will be in DC.
– For giving Rotgirls their sixth win… and not being able to find the
end zone against Monkey Boy’s defense. 30-3 Buttgers
– HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The only thing that would have made this
better would be if they had lost to Navy last week. Also because we
hate you and always will. As the Ninja would say, “I look forward to
killing you soon.” See you in Jax, you fkers. 24-23 Juicers.
– Buffalo awaits their opponent, which is looking like Ball St. They
will have to beat WMU to make it though, or force a 3-way tie. Sorry, I
didn’t feel like looking up the tie-breaker scenario for the MAC, nor
do I think that any of you actually care what it might be.
5 teams are bowl eligible and 2 are one win shy.
– Three turnovers and no sparks for the Flashes. 42-14 NIU
– The Chippewas were unable to punch their ticket to consecutive MAC
Championships and Ballz St. remains undefeated in spite of LeFevour’s
345 yards passing and 75 yards rushing. The Card’s 2 4th quarter TDs
sealed the win. 31-24 Letterman
– For giving up a 27-7 4th quarter lead, then crapping out in OT. 40-34
That Ohio School
in Oxford – The Redskinhawk’s defense gave up 516 yards
and turned the ball over 4 times to the Rockettes. Well, I suppose
that’s consistent with the other Miami this week. 42-14 Toledo
– The Roo failed to become bowl eligible by beating a team that had
only won two games prior. Not that it would have meant a post season
for the Zippers, but who knows. Plenty of fecal teams in the BCS
leagues might mean a few openings around. 49-42 Bobcats
– How bad do you have to be to give up fifty five points to Temple?
– The season is in the books and Utah wins the MWC title. The Utes
await the results from the BcS, but will likely be in another big $
game this January.
5 of 9 teams are bowl eligible. If Utah makes it into the BCS, the
remaining teams will take the four MWC bowl bids.
– The Rammed take what could be the last bowl spot for the league via
their solid performance in Laramie. 31-20 CSU
– The Falcons crash hard after a promising start to the season. 44-10
– With the conference title and Utah’s potential BCS bid on the line,
the Mormons come up empty down the stretch. A 10-point halftime lead
for the Utes is capped by 21 4th quarter points. 48-24 Utah
– This one had real pillowfight potential, but somehow the Aztecs pull
off two TDs in the final 5 minutes to hang the Rebels. 42-21 Ancient
Pac 10 – I
had a feeling the Beavers were going down this week. They managed to
pull this one out on a last second (literally) field goal to stay in
first. The Ducks will look to play the spoiler next week in Corvallis
during the Civil War. The Trojans will finish the season against their
cross-town rival in two weeks after a brief pause to stomp a mudhole in
fat Charlie and that pansy pickle-named quarterback.
5 teams are bowl-bound. Stanfraud joins the Washingtons in the “not”
category. UCLA and ASsU need a miracle, each at 4-6.
– Stanfraud’s rivalry with Cal is so lame that they couldn’t come up
with a better name than “The Big Game.” Given their bay area location,
I will now be referring to it as “The Big Gay.” Stanfraud picks up loss
number 7 and is now done for the year. 37-16 Berkley
– Every guy’s dream of beating the Beavers did not come to pass in
Tuscon. OSU stays alive in their Rose Bowl run with a 24 yard FG as
time expired. 19-17 Beavers
– Sorry, nothing stuck out at me last week, so I didn’t pick a Pillowfight of the Week. I
assure my loyal readers that this one makes up for my previous
omission. We saw this suckfest coming a light-year away… and how
perfect could it be that it was overtime that put Spainkingham’s season
one game from perfect. 16-13 Wazzou
Sun Belt –
Troy takes the lead. ASU can force a tie by beating them in two weeks.
Troy is still the only bowl eligible team in the league. ULL can join
them with a final week victory against MTSU and ASU can do it by
beating UNT this week.
– The scoreboard looks very binary for this one. 7 7 7 7 0 7 0 7 Well,
I guess the Owls forgot about the second half. 28-14 Red Indian Wolves
– Remember what I said earlier about teams that shouldn’t be in 1-A?
Um, yeaaaah. 52-10 Blue Raiders
University on Eighth Street – It’s tough to come back from
a three touchdown deficit. It’s even harder if you suck like That
Alleged University on Eighth Street. 31-27 Warindianhawks
– With the conference title hanging in the balance, the Cajuns go tits
up. Another big game turns into a blowout. 48-3 Trojans
For this league allegedly being so competitive, there didn’t seem to be
much contest for the division crowns with three weeks to go in the
season. The Turds and Tide have it on cruise control, but don’t want to
falter if they have any hope of an MNC game appearance.
8 teams are bowl-bound. That Cow College can join them with a huge
upset in the Iron Bowl.
– Losing to the worst Tennessee team in over thirty years just proves
that you weren’t that good to begin with. 20-10 Vols
– Ditto. The Bulldogs are rancid. Both teams stay home for Christmas.
– Something’s going on with Ole Piss to help them go to these tough
venues and kill the ‘giants.’ LSU has been exposed though. Nothing
giant about them. 31-13 Ole Piss
– The Citadel? The week before That Clown College for Girls? Are you
kidding? A team with a losing record in 1-AA? 70-19 in the Teblow “pad
my stats” game.
– For flip-flopping on the issue pertaining to mid-majors (Utah) vs.
“power conference” teams (UFaG) in the BCS system. That facker couldn’t
even lie convincingly, so he danced around a question about whether or
not Utah deserved a shot at the MNC ahead of his Gayturds. What a rube.
It appeared that if he actually considered answering honestly, it would
be counterproductive to his lobbying effort to get his team to Miami
after dropping a turd at home against Ole Piss. As far as I’m
concerned, there are three Big XII teams that deserve to be in the MNC
before his greasy ass.
– With one game remaining, Boise St. has already claimed the WAC
championship. After their final game, they will wait to see if they are
invited to the BcS or get to stay home and kick the ass of a mediocre
ACC team in the Humanitarian Bowl.
The WAC currently has 5 bowl eligible teams, one on the cusp (Hawii
plays Wazzou this week) and only 3 bowl tie-ins.
San Jose St.
- At 6-6, the Spartans have closed out their season. While bowl
eligible, they might be left out of post-season in favor of teams like
La Tech, Nevada and Fresno, especially if Boise does not end up in the
BCS. The 10-3 halftime lead they had on Fresno just evaporated in the
4th, having been set up by a game-tying punt return. 24-10 West WAC
- Reno was taking it in the teeth from Boise, but was back in the game
by the end of the 3rd only being down by 7. Boise was able to finish
them off with a couple of scores to erase any thoughts the Wolfpack
might have had about taking their conference crown. 41-34 Broncos
- The Vandals finish their miserable season no better than tied for
last place, depending on the results of the Aggie bowl next week. At
least they got to close out their failure in Hawaii. 49-17 Rainbows
New Mexico St.
- The Aggies are just awful. La Tech throws up 28 in the first half and
cruises to win number seven. The up side is that the Aggies did manage
to score three times in the 2nd quarter. Maybe there’s hope for them in
next week’s Aggie-bowl against Utah St. 35-31 East WAC Bulldogs