DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Nov 12, 2008

Week 11

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

I will admit that I only watched one game on Saturday… Oklahoma St. at Texas Tech. The Red Raiders are just sick! One thing that TTU has done this year is vastly improve on defense. The Pirate wasn’t happy that they were giving up as many points as they were scoring. In spite of their consistent winning record, he made a change at Defensive Coordinator. That appears to be making all the difference in the world and has them poised to make the trip to Miami in mid January, or whenever the hell they are playing the MNC nowadays.

In terms of us, I have no news. DMoney failed to provide us with a Greentree report this week, so I’ll just pass on it and assume we are continuing our preparation for Virginia Polythugnic’s visit this Thursday night.

Now the Fails:

Atlantic Coast – Well, Georgia Tech didn’t do us any favors this week by rolling over for Botch. Three teams are left atop the Coastal Division with VT controlling their fate over their remaining three games. Should they lose, UNC would break the tie with UM. UM can run the table if UNC suffers a single loss. A three-loss tiebreaking scenario is possible, but too unlikely to consider at this point.
In the Atlantic Division, Maryland is still in control owning the tiebreaker against WF and having not yet played TCCFG. If the ‘Holes win in two weeks, WF breaks the two-way tie from winning in Trailerhassee. BC is a game back, but since they play FS, WF and MD in their last three games, they still control their destiny by winning out and winning any tiebreaker scenarios at 5-3.
There are currently 8 out of 12 bowl-eligible teams. VA is one win from six and CU and Duke need two.
Maryland – This Thursday night puke-fest was pretty much meaningless for the Twerps in terms of their division standing, but it would have been nice to have a slight buffer and some momentum for their remaining three games. 23-13 VThug
Georgia Tech – The Navy offense went scoreless for three quarters against Botch. Until the Tar Holes lit-them up for three 4th quarter touchdowns, this game put everyone to sleep… including Tech’s defense. 28-7 Tar Holes
Clemson – No longer the “Bowden Bowl,” this game completely lost any appeal it may have once had. The Great Dabu proves that he can still have Clemple bend over and take it from Bobbyah as well as any of them. 41-27 That Clown College for Girls
Duke – Cuntcliffe made believers out of a lot of people over the future of Dook Football, but Shleprock ran off a huge first half lead here. Dookie needs to win two of their last three now to make it to postseason for the first time since 1994. 27-17 Wolf Crack
Virginia – Instead of crying about losing to a better team, you should have been prepared for a lesser one. Weak Florist stays alive in their division and UVag queefs away their chance at getting to Tampa.
Paul Deesaster – For not hiring Mike “The Pirate” Leech when he had the chance… and for being an insufferable fat bastard.

Big XII – Texas Tech is in firm control of the South with only Oklahomo left to possibly make the tiebreaker come into play. The Pirate will sail to KC with a win in Norman in two weeks (after their bye.)
In the North, Missouri is a game ahead of NU and KU, and will meet the Jayhawks the final week of the season.
There are 7 of 12 teams bowl eligible, and 2 eliminated.
Baylor – The seventh loss of the season, coming against the Tea Sips, eliminate the Bears from postseason. This really isn’t a shock though. 45-21 t.u.
Iowa St. – The Cyclones are still winless in the league, and stayed that way after giving up a 10-0 halftime lead against Colorado. Must be the altitude… or it could be that you just suck. 28-24 Buffs
Kansas – The extra 4th quarter touchdown put Big Red Head over the top and kept the ‘Holers alive in the Division race. 45-35 Cornholers
Texas A&M – The poor Aggies are starting to really put some points up. Too bad they can’t play defense for sh!t. 66-28 Oklahomo
Kansas St. – A slow start will kill you against an offense like the Tigers have. You can’t trip Usain Bolt if he’s out of reach as soon as the race starts. 41-24 Mizzou
Oklahoma St. – A lot of people were giving the Cowpies a real shot at this one given how well they played Texass. That was over when the Red Raiders went up 21-7 and never looked back en route to 629 total yards on offense. TTU ran 80 plays on offense and only had 3 penalties for 19 yards… That’s a well coached club. 56-20 Pirate

Big East – There is a huge clusterfark at the top of the standings. Cincy and Pitt meet this week with the winner having control going forward. WV is still in the mix if Cincy falls. RU and UConn are a game back.
5 of 8 teams are bowl eligible and one is out. Weak non-conference scheduling has boosted those numbers.
Syracuse – The juicers are eliminated from postseason after this one. A 14-0 lead after the 1st quarter was not enough to hold the Scarlet Pansies at bay. 35-17 Chimp
Louisville – Wanstache whips it out and says that he ain’t no Louisville. 41-7 Pitt
West Virginia – A furious 4th quarter comeback is for nothing since you choke in overtime. 26-23 Cincy

Big Sham – State Penn still runs the table. MSU can play the spoiler and Taint would assume the crown. Everyone else is effectively out of the running.
6 of 11 teams are bowl eligible and 3 are eliminated. UI and UW could both pick up #6 this week.
Pennsylvania St. – State Penn graces the Epic Fail list for the first legitimate time this year. Well, at least Joe Poop doesn’t have to worry about the BCS screwing him this year. 24-23 Hawkeye Pierce
Northwestern – Northworstern is very lucky that the puss ten is borderline mid-major this year. Their marquee out-of-conference win this year was a death struggle against Dook. 45-10 Taint
Indiana – In the battle to stay out of last place, the Stinking Badgers pull themselves out of the Big Sham toilet with a solid 2nd half. 55-20 Cheesers
Purdue – The Spartans keep their Rose Bowl hopes alive by rolling these dogs. 21-7 The 300
Minnesota – For missing the chance to slam the door on Del Taco’s Rich. 29-6 Meatchicken
Illinois – I guess I was giving Dr. Zook too much credit for being able to pull the Illini out of the toilet, since they are back in there now. 23-17 Western Michigan

Conference USA – Out of 12, 4 teams have been eliminated from post season already, with a few more to follow shortly, while 3 have become eligible.
In the East, ECU has a game lead on Marshall, having won the game this week. Memphis is also still in the mix.
Tulsa leads in the west with Houston having a chance to knot things up in two weeks. Rice is also a game back.
Southern Methodist – Memphis goes to .500 by winning a close one in Dallass. Why did Jones leave Hawaii again? 31-26 Tigers
Marshall – The Turds droped a game back by losing to Ecoo in OT. They fail for missing the XP on the 3rd quarter TD that would have won the game. 19-16 Butt Pirates
Central Florida – UniCeF goes 1-for-11 on 3rd down and the Eagles held them scoreless for three quarters. Having won C-USA last year and staring down the barrel of a last-place finish, the identity crisis for UniCeF continues. Do they give awards for the opposite of “most improved?” 17-9 Southern Piss
Tulane – The Wave was eliminated from post season when they picked up their 7th loss this week. Sorry, there’s not much else to say for this bottom-feeder since we already knew they are a failure on the year. 42-14 Cougars

Independents – Navy has clinched their post season game, while Army drops out of contention with this week’s loss.
Army – Rice puts up 31 in the first half and hangs on for dear life in the second. The Cadets didn’t have quite enough in the tank to catch up late. 38-31 Owls
Western Kentucky – I’m sure they’re much happier now that basketball is starting. 17-7 Troy
Notre Dame – Because we hate you, and always will. Scoreless against one of the worst BC teams in the last ten years. The Domers have Navy, USC, and Syracuse remaining and are one win from being bowl eligible. I think I will be trying to cast some voodoo enhancement for the Juicers in two weeks. 17-0 Eagles

Mid-American – 12 teams there, 3 teams in, 5 teams out. NIU, Akron, Buff, and BG all are one win away from 6.
Akron and Buffalo are tied for first in the East. They play this week. Bowling Green is a game back with a win over Akron and Buffalo upcoming, so they can pick up the ball if anyone drops it.
In the West, Ball State goes to Mount Pleasant to take on the Chippewas on the 22nd. Both teams are undefeated in conference play and Ball St. is 10-0 on the season.
That other red school in Ohio – I will no longer be referring to the school in Oxford by the name which they share with my Alma Mater. They have proven themselves unworthy of that title over the course of this season. 37-17 Buffaloded
Toledo – Akrid jumped on this one with 3 1st quarter touchdowns on the way to this would-be rout. 47-30 Kangaroos
Northern Illinois – The Huskies couldn’t keep up with the MAC version of BSU. The Cardinals stay undefeated and keep their slim BCS hopes alive. 45-14 Lettermans
Ohio – I feel sorry for this team. I mean, you’re the Ohio University, and people in your state, including your own students and alumni, are more concerned with the fashionable sweatervest than what’s going on with the Bobcats. 28-3 Falcons

Mountain West – 4 in, 2 out, 3 left. The Utes are in control with only BYU standing in their way. (No, I don’t think the Aztecs will be a problem for them.) TCU is still in the mix, and Air Force needs a miracle.
Texas Christian – The Horny Toads played a hard fought, and uncharacteristically defensive game against the Utes, only giving up one TD in the final quarter to seal Utah’s win. 13-10 Utes
San Diego St. – Go Diego, Go! A couple FGs and a missed conversion is not going to help you out of last place. 41-12 Mormons
Colorado St. – The Rammed are probably wondering where Sonny is at this point. Perhaps they should try looking at his steak house. 38-17 Air Force
New Mexico – Los Lobos picked up their 7th loss this season. They are finished after their trip to Ft. Collins this week.

Pac 10 – Ironically, 6-3 Oregon St. controls their fate for the conference title. With UCB, UA and UO remaining, it won’t be easy. The Trojans are still hoping for some back door into the MNC. (Maybe they should ask Dirty Sanchez.)
5 teams are in and anyone with the name “Washington” is out.
Stanford – A tough game at Autzen, but Stanfraud comes away with the L and the 6th win still eludes them. The Quackers stay alive for an outside shot at the Rose Bowl. 35-28 Donald
California-Los Angeles – The Bruins are one loss away from staying home. Neweasel has only fared slightly better than Del Taco at turning this program around… which isn’t saying much. 34-6 Beavers
California-Berkley – The Hippies went against the nations best defense and all they got was this lousy field goal. (By the way, that’s #1 in both Total Defense and Scoring Defense.) 17-3 Trojans
Washington St. – This is just not funny anymore. The Cougars finish the season with Pink, UDub and Hawaii. Let’s see if they can manage to give up less than 40 points in any of those games. 59-28 Wildcats
Washington – Ditto what I said above with different teams. UDub could be looking at a winless season here if they can’t beat Wazzou in two weeks. 39-19 Scum Devils

Sun Belt – The Cajuns are still in command at 4-0. Their game with Troy in two weeks will probably settle the conference title.
Troy is currently the only Sun Belt team with 6 wins. UL-The Clown and UNT are out with more surely to follow.
Louisiana-The Clown – The Indian Things lose a tough one against the Blue Whatevers. 24-21 MTSU
North Texas – I’m wondering if we took a step up by playing Charleston Southern this year. 46-13 FAU
Louisiana-Lafayette – The Cajuns take one in the sack, but out of conference. Unfortunately, losing to the Miners, at home, is something they should be concerned about. 37-24 UTEP
Arkansas St. – Losing to the team with a Panther on steroids for a mascot must feel pretty bad after beating a2m to open the season. 22-21 Super Mario

Southeast – UFaG and Bammer have clinched their respective division titles and will meet in ATL. The question now, is will the Goiters be able to back their way into the MNC? It’s unlikely that Alabamastan will fall before December, while Cryer has to face Stevil and Bobbyah. I’m pulling for the chickens this week because I don’t want either of these clowns within sniffing distance of Miami.
Six teams in and Tennessee is out.
Kentucky – Poor K-Y… three of their four losses were close. They can find themselves in a decent bowl by finishing off the two worst teams in the SEC-E. 42-38 Ugaly
Arkansas – The Pigs may have been overreaching with hopes of postseason this year. They will need to beat both Stevil and LSU to get to six.
Louisiana St. – The Lavender Tigers get the big Fail this week for blowing the opportunity to knock off both #1 and your former coach. Two costly picks… the pick-6 and the one on OT, lost this game for LSU. 27-21 Tiaaaaaahd!
Vanderbilt – The Commies didn’t stand much of a chance, being held scoreless and letting the ‘Turds take a 35-0 lead into the locker room. 42-14 UFaG
Tennessee – First, for scheduling a non-conference game this late in the season against a pathetic team. Second, for sh!tting the bed against that pathetic team. Wyoming comes into Knoxville and goes home happy. Fat Phil has two games left at the helm and may lose both. 13-7 Cowboys win the Pillowfight of the Week

Western Athletic – BSU is in solid control with a two game buffer. The three trailing teams need the Broncos to lose-out to have a shot.
2 teams in, 2 teams out, and four teams are a win away from 6.
Fresno St. – The Wolfpack keep their slim conference title hopes alive and the favorite team of the vomit caddies drops out of the running. 41-28 Reno
San Jose St. – Conversely, the Spartans have all but eliminated themselves from contention as they are shut out by the Bulldogs. Bradshaw would be proud. 21-0 La. Tech
Utah St. – The Aggies are horrible. 49-14 Boise St.
New Mexico St. – The Aggies are horrible. 42-30 Hawaii.

 

Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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