DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Nov 5, 2008

Week 10

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

The Canes have strung together four wins in a row. We haven’t seen that since October 21, 2006 when we capped a run that included Houston, a 3-9 UNC, That Alleged University on Eighth Street and Dook. The cast of characters this year isn’t much more impressive, but I will say that I’m glad to see us on the upswing. Our freshman are just sick and not only am I excited about what is to come, I only imagine what could be if these guys get some decent coaching to accompany that talent. With that, we are one Botch from being back in the driver’s seat for the ACC title, and Navy Tech can set it up for a showdown with us in three weeks if they get the win this week.

At this point, a win is a win, but I have to say that this is one of the ugliest wins I’ve seen us take in a long time. 448 yards on offense only netted us 24 points, so I have to be worried. Turnovers and penalties continue to be problematic and Shannon/PNix need to address those issues ASAP.

For the Quarterback situation continuing, I find it a bit unnerving that although Marve and Harris played about the same amount, Harris seems to be/(allowed to be) throwing downfield much more. If this is a PNix play calling issue, then he can suck it. If Harris is making better reads and “getting it done,” then he needs to be taking the majority of the snaps. I’m still not getting my shorts in a twist just yet about these guys though. They are both fighters and can will this team to victory.

Defense was still a bit soft out of the box, but tightened up when it counted pitching another second-half shutout. Vag ran the ball about half as much as they tried to throw, only yielding 71 yards (mostly all by Peerman) and averaging 3.1 per carry. With the strip on the last play, I can be hopeful that we will keep being aggressive and force some more turnovers. We’re still -4 on turnovers for the year (ranking 87th nationally) and need to reverse that.

Special Teams were schizophrenic as usual. The muffed kick was a fail, and the returns pretty vanilla. Bosher also surprised my by shorting that potential game winner, but he’s been good on field goals this year, so it’s not tragic. The rumor is also out there that it was tipped, which would vindicate him if true. A 50-yarder isn’t a given, but he doesn’t usually have a problem with range there.

Now the Fails:

Atlantic Coast – Two results this week, one being ours, just threw the divisions for a loop in terms of who could win. The Coastal is a jumble with five teams effectively tied at two losses apiece. VT controls their destiny. GT, UM, NC and VA all are in the hunt, but none are guaranteed a trip to Tampa simply by winning out. The Atlantic has MD on top with WF and That Clown College for Girls waiting to pounce should they fall.
Virginia – For crying after your OT loss to a bunch of freshmen. Besides, we owed you. 24-17 Hurricanes win four straight.
Ron Cherry’s Officiating Crew – I have no idea what game these guys were watching, and the fact that they scrutinized every big play we made was just annoying, if not extremely biased. I’m all for “getting it right,” but the non-reviewable blown calls were pretty putrid.
Florida St. – The Criminoles gave up 21 points in the second quarter and managed to fumble away the go-ahead touchdown in the final minute. Honorable mention for the Bees because That Clown College for Girls almost recovered their own fumble due to the Tech player who thought to scoop up the ball instead of falling on it for the touchback. 31-28 Jello Yackets
Boston College – With a chance to solidify Clemple’s failure this year, the Fecals managed to be down 17-0 at the half and couldn’t quite catch up. 27-21 Paper Tigers
Duke – Cuntcliffe stated that he won’t abandon Dook to replace Fat Phil at Tennessee. Perhaps he should reconsider. 33-30 Weak Florist

Big XII – The Pirate takes the upper hand and stays undefeated on the year. OSU, OU and UT are all a game back and the first two are going to have a chance to knock TT off the top of the hill down the stretch. In the North, it appears that UM and KU are on course to settle the division title on the field the final week with the winner heading to KC.
Texas – The Schlonghorns made a hell of an effort to bring this one back from the dead, but The Pirate had his team execute a masterful final drive to cap the victory. Now, Leach needs to keep his team focused with two tough games (and Baylor) on the horizon. 39-33 Red Raiders
Texas Tech Fans – For being too stupid to know that the game wasn’t over yet… twice.
Nebraska – If you didn’t close the season out with Colorado, I’d wonder if you would be able to pick up that sixth win to be bowl eligible. Then again, you gave up 49 points in the first half to Bradfart en route to this crushing defeat. 62-28 Oklahomo
Kansas St. – It’s tough to come back from 31-0 at the half… on the road… against your in-state rival. The winner of the KSU/NU game in two weeks might be the last team in as far as bowl games are concerned. 52-21 Jayhawks
Colorado – a2m goes down early, but stiffens up in the end. The Buffed are horrible, and are not in good shape, but if they can beat ISU and NU, they can still play in postseason. 24-17 Faggies
Iowa St. – The ‘Clones will be staying home this December as they pick up their seventh loss, not that any of us are surprised. Colorado might be the only winnable game they have left. 59-17 Cowpies
Baylor – The Bears hung tough and were tied with Mizzou heading into the final quarter. Unfortunately for them, they couldn’t hold on and drop to 3-6. 31-28 Misery

Big East – WV holds on to the top spot with Pitt and Cincy nipping at their heels.
Strip Mall U – To be tied for last in your conference, yet bowl eligible is a testament to your weak schedule. The Chimp, CT and WV could put you on a serious slide by the time selections hit. 24-10 Bearcats
Connecticut – Not much second-half defense going on for Yuke-on. 35-13 Wet Vagina
Louisville – For giving the Juice their first league win. 28-21 Saltine Warriors

Big Ten – State Penn rests up for the final stretch. Iowa and MSU are the last best hopes to end JoePoo’s twilight run. Taint and MSU are waiting to step up if the Ninny Lions fail.
Michigan – Meatchicken in a bowl? Fuhgetabowdet! D1ck Del Taco’s failure is now complete as a 42-point display is not enough to defeat the mighty Boilermakers. 48-42 Hard Hat-wearing Train People
Indiana – We knew it was bad, but you just lost to a MAC team… even if they are better than your own conference's Michigan. 37-34 Chippewas
Wisconsin – The momentum from beating Dr. Zook is gone and Michigan St. keeps their Rose Bowl hope alive. 25-24 Spartans
Minnesota – Snuck up into the rankings only to be beaten back by another turnaround team. 24-17 Northworstern
Iowa – The ‘Eyes turned on the jets toward the end, but it was a little too late. Dr. Zook had already left the office for the day. 27-24 Illini

Conference USA – Marshall and Ecoo are two games ahead of the rest and square off this week for the lead in the East. Tulsa is in control in the west with Houston right behind and Rice ready to jump on fails.
Houston – Bad luck for the Cougars. Broken legs and broken division leads. 37-23 Turds
Tulsa – “BcS Buster” status has officially been revoked. 30-23 Hogs
Tulane – With Tulame playing teams like Bama and Ellesseaux, one does wonder if they shouldn’t travel a bit further to play opponents more suited to them. 35-10 Purple Tigers
Alabama-Birmingham – After bending over for much of the year, Southern Piss comes alive and rings up 70… in three quarters. 70-14 Eagles.
Texas-El Paso – The Rice Truck rolls in to El Pisso and puts the University of North Mexico back in the L column. 49-44 Rice
Central Florida – This had to be one of the ugliest finishes I’ve seen in quite some time. Clearly, neither of these shitbag teams wanted to win that badly since they kept giving the ball away. Punt, Int for Ecoo and Punt, Fumble, Int for UniCeF. 13-10 Butt Pirates on an OT field goal.

Independents – Navy gets their sixth win this week. I guess it still counts, even if it was against Temple.
Army – The Zoomies had an easy win this week. 16-7 Falcons in the Special Academy Pillowfight of the Week
Western Kentucky – For not letting us kick North Texas around this week. 51-40 Mean Green
Notre Dame – Because we hate you, and always will. If not for the Juice, The Domers might be home for for the Holidays. Regardless, Wanstache smacks the weeble in this OT field goal suck-fest. 36-33 Pitt

Mid-American – Bulls and Zips meet in two weeks to possibly decide the East. CMU and Ball St. seem to be on course for a final week showdown in the West.
Ohio – It doesn’t look much better down the stretch for the Bobcats. 2-10 is highly possible. 32-19 BuffaBulls
Kent St. – Back in the L column. At least your next game is Temple. 45-30 Falcons
Eastern Michigan – Good job on getting that solid grasp on last place in the West. 31-10 Broncos
Temple – Could it have been Navy’s conditioning and depth that helped them score 20 in the fourth to force overtime? Nah, it was probably because you suck. 33-27 Midshipmen

Mountain West – TCU and Utah face off this week for the lead and a shot at a BcS spot. BYU and AF are a game back in the hunt for the league title.
San Diego St. – Ancient Mexicans were no match for guys who herd cattle and have guns. 35-10 Wyoming
Colorado St. – The Rammed put up a good fight against the Mormons, but comes away empty once again. 45-42 Cougars
Nevada-Las Vegas – The Horny Toads just had too much firepower for the Rebellion to deal with. 44-14 Frogs
New Mexico – “These two Utes” survive the death struggle with the Spanish Wolves to keep their hopes alive for things beyond the MWC. 13-10 Utah

Pac 10 – Trojans and Beavers and Bears, oh my! The league picture will come a bit more into focus when Cal heads to the Coliseum this week and to Canedom Territory then next.
Oregon – The Donalds can’t capitalize on five, yes I said five Hippie turnovers and struggled to find yardage in the air in this rainy one. 26-16 Berkley
Arizona St. – After what looked like another good start for Pink, the Scum Devils have lost six in a row and are one loss from staying home for the holidays. At least they have UDub and Wazzou next. 25-27 Beavers
Washington St. – Without looking at the actual statistics, Wazzou has to be close to the bottom in scoring defense. Probably are in scoring offense too. 58-0 Stanfraud
Washington – Whatever I said about UDub’s cross-state rival, just send it to Xerox. 56-0 Trojans

Sun Belt – The Cajuns are in command, and meet Troy on the 22nd for the lead. ASU is also not out of it just yet.
Arkansas St. – Tough shutout loss against Satan. 35-0 Tide
That Alleged University on Eighth Street – The Cajuns are Ragin’. 49-20 ULL(USL)
Troy – Louisiana-The Clown takes a chunk out of your conference title hopes. 31-30 ULM(UNL)

Southeast – I can’t figure out why these guys had three non-rivalry OOC games this week. Nevertheless, UFaG takes hold in the East and Uga will need a miracle (UFaG losing to both Vandy and Stevil) to make it to the ATL. The Tiahd roll on, but could make things interesting in the West if they drop a loss to LSU this week. Win, and they clinch the division.
That Cow College – The bad news is that since Tubbs fired his OC, the War Eagle is 0-3 and averaging only 15.3 ppg and getting worse every week. The good news is that they have UT Martin coming to town this week and those numbers should be artificially inflated. Regardless, 4-1 has turned into tied for last in the SEC-W and with Uga and Bama looming, it doesn’t look good for Tube Steak. 17-7 Ole’ Piss
Mississippi St. – For letting K-Y block the XP that would have saved the game for you. 14-13 Mildcats
Georgia – That’s twice, now, that the Dawgs were humiliated in a big game with their national ranking on the line. This result almost makes us look decent. 49-10 Teablow
Tennessee – Fat Phil is finally offing himself. The Vols have a two-game buffer on last place in the East. 27-6 Stevil and the Fighting Chickens

Western Athletic – Boise is still undefeated and on cruise control. SJ can take them in the unlikely event the Broncos drop two of their remaining league games.
Fresno St. – LaTech wins a close one by putting up almost 400 yards. 38-35 Bulldogs
Hawaii – The Rainbows allow Aggies #1 to snap their four-game losing streak. Must be the altitude, or jetlag, or something. 30-14 Utah St.
Idaho – The Vandals continue to rummage around the basement with no lights. 30-24 Spartans
New Mexico St. – Aggies #2 hosted undefeated Boise St. The Broncos return to the blue turf unscathed. 49-0 BSU


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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