DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Oct 30, 2008

Week 9

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

Well, three wins in a row for us. We haven’t been able to do that since September 29th of last year. I continue to hope that we’ve bottomed out and are on the gradual clime back up out of the hole we were in. One thing it certainly is not, is pretty. For now, I’ll take the ugly wins and look forward to seeing these young, talented stars mature into eventual champions.

The Offense was still anemic, and we didn’t help our overly inflated “scoring offense” numbers by only getting one touchdown against Weak Florist. The Quarterback situation is still as clouded as it has been. By the numbers, neither player shined this past week. Marve’s decision-making in the pocket is in doubt, but his winning attitude is irrefutable. He was able to get us our only touchdown of the day by sheer force of will. I would, however, like to see more of Harris. In the end, it may just come down to him being much less prone to making mistakes and not putting us in a position when we always have to come back or hold on to a single score lead.

The Defense had, once again, a slow start, but tightened up nicely. Two of the three first quarter drives yielded 66 and 63 yards and all 10 points. With two exceptions of the remaining drives when they closed into FG range and came up empty, the D was just about spot on the rest of the way. The disclaimer is that Wake’s offense hasn’t exactly been blowing teams out, and they’ve only broken 30 points twice this year (against Baylor and Ole Piss.) We’ll need a much tighter game against the ‘Queers this week if we want to keep this thing rolling.

Special Teams were shaky as usual. Bosher was money with putting it between the sticks, but another shanked punt with the game on the line was almost disastrous. Shields had a great game, but Benjamin was somewhat quieted by Wake’s coverage. I do sense, however, that we’re on the cusp of being very deadly on punt returns. (I leave out kickoff returns because, theoretically, we only want to field one of them during the game.) D'Annunzio will need to stay on top of this if we are to continue to notch wins.

Now the Fails:

Atlantic Coast – A big victory was banked against the SEC. Our scrub beat their scrub.
Boston College – We needed some help with this one, but spotting Botch 24 points in the 2nd quarter is not how you win. The Tar Holes added another 21 in the second half and the Eagles couldn’t keep up. 45-24 Tar Holes
Wake Forest – Weak Florist continued to choke on offense, only scoring their second touchdown in four conference games. The up side was they improved their ppg from 8 to 8.5. 16-10 Hurricanes
Virginia Tech - Cho Seung-Hui is apparently reaching out from the grave to take out VThug quarterbacks. We get a little help from That Clown College for Girls, and could possibly be on course for a December rematch against the Criminoles. 30-20 That Clown College for Girls
Georgia Tech – It’s as if nobody wants the lead in the Coastal Division. Hapless UVAg seems to have “found their rhythm” notching their 4th win in a row, while the Bee’s offense continues to be suspect. 24-17 Cavaqueers
North Carolina St. – For the third week in a row, the Wolfcrack lose by less than 10 points. I can’t quite figure out how they got blown-out by Strip Mall U when they’re seemingly playing tough against better competition. Oh well, as long as they choke on November 29th, I could care less. 27-24 Fighting Turtles

Kansas – Oh, it looked like it was going to be a close one… for about one quarter. The Pirate Ship sails on and pillages Lawrence. 63-21 Red Raiders
Baylor – The Circus watched as his team went from being in this game at halftime, to being shut out in the 2nd half. 32-20 Cornholers
Kansas St. – 55 first half points for Bradfart and ‘Homo was all they needed against the Mildcats. 58-35 Oklahomo
Oklahoma St. – Well, they sure gave the Tea Sips more of a fight than ‘Homo did. Colt had almost 400 yards passing, yet the steers only scored four TDs. 28-24 t.u. with a visit to the Pirate lair this week.
Colorado – The Buffs are having a very Baylor-like season. It’s a good thing they don’t play each other this year, or there might be some horrible cosmic event. (Not to mention that nobody would watch.) 58-0 Mizzou
Iowa St. – a2m bags their first Big XII win against the Cyclones, also known as the conference door mat. 49-35 Aggies

Big East – 1-0 with Coker 2.0 beating a team with no OC.
Cincinnati – The Catbears were looking to have a standard mediocre season, but Yuke-on got the best of them with 20 4th quarter points. 40-16 Putzkies
South Florida – Strip Mall U’s early season non-conference schedule has been exposed for the fraud that it was. The Bullocks are now in 7th place in the Big Yeast (out of 8,) yet are somehow still ranked. 24-20 (ain’t no) Louisville
Pittsburgh – Boy, Wanstache’s defense just got rolled by Monkey Boy. The Scarlet Letters are trying to salvage their season, and drop (arm) Pitt from the top of the standings. 54-34 Chimpiano

Big Ten
Northwestern – As suspect as I was of Northworstern’s 6-1 record, I’d call this the most unlikely result of the week. 21-19 Hoosier (daddy)
Illinois – In the second-most unlikely result, the Cheesers find the W column for the first time in the league. 27-17 stinking Badgers
Purdue – Serious pillowfight contention here, but the Gopher’s 4th quarter TD put it just out of reach. 17-6 for the stars of Caddyshack
Michigan – DickRod is in a death spiral right now. There’s better than a good chance that they could only win one game the rest of the way and all signs point to being home for the post season for the first time since 1974. 35-21 Spartans
Ohio St.Pillowfight of the Week! For all the hype, this game was pretty pathetic. As much as I hate JoePud, I’m glad to see Taint blow this one. 13-6 State Penn

Conference USA – 0-1 *yawn*
Tulane – The Rice Truck rolls into NoLa and dishes out a beating to Tulame. 42-17 Hooters
Southern Methodist – I wonder if Jones is wishing he’d stayed at Hawaii. 34-7 Navy
Southern Mississippi – Maybe the Eagles can find some eligibility for Farve as they drop to 0-4 in the league. 36-30 Memphis
Central Florida – UniCeF had the lead 19-14 at the break, and then went home. 49-19 Tulsa

Independents – 3-0
Notre Dame – Because we hate you, and always will.

Ohio – Losing to Temple? Things must be bad for the Bobcats. 14-10 Temple
Eastern Michigan – Ball sack St. continues to roll unblemished. The Eagles continue to suck. 38-16 Cards
Toledo – The Rockettes took a dump on the chance sweep their four Meatchicken opponents. The Chippewas have taken hold as the best team in the state. 24-23 CMU
Miami Ohio – Just change your name to Oxford. It will at least sound impressive. 54-21 Kent (believe they won) St.
Bowling Green – Bowling for nothing. The Huskies hang tough. 16-13 NIU

Mountain West
New Mexico – Air Force soars. 23-10 Falcons
Nevada-Las Vegas – Mormons try to recover. 42-35 Cougars
Wyoming – No state here! 54-7 Horny Toads
San Diego St. – Aztecs get Rammed. 38-34 Colorado St.

Pac 10 0-1
California-Los Angeles – Neweasel continues to struggle. 41-20 Berkley
Washington – Willingham throws in the towel and UDub gets raped by Ty’s former team. 33-7 Fat Charlie and the Facking Irish
Arizona St. – Pink is having a sophomore slump with the Scum Devils, taking this one from behind at home. 54-20 Donald Ducks
Arizona – A tough defensive struggle, and Dirty Sanchez comes out with the win. 17-10 Southern Cal

Sun Belt 0-1
North Texas – The Simple Green continue their woes and are 0-8. 45-17 Troy
Middle Tennessee St. – Could beat Maryland but not Mississippi St? 31-22 Bulldogs
Louisiana-The Clown – Death struggle with Schnelly in a Dog of the Week game. 29-28 Owls

Southeast –.1-2 with the win against the Sun Belt
That Cow College – Nothing in the second half. 34-17 Wet Vagina
Kentucky – I know you suck, but at least act like you care. 63-5 UFaG
Vanderbilt – Dookie sucked a little less in this one. 10-7 Puke
Louisiana St. – The Dawgs are determined to not go away quietly this season. 52-38 UGa
Arkansas – How does 1-4 taste? Taste like pork. 23-21 Ole’ Piss
Tennessee – Hmm, I guess 1-4 also tastes like Jack Daniels. 29-9 Satan

Western Athletic 0-1
San Jose St. – The Broncos hit the road to take this one and stay perfect on the year at 7-0. 33-16 Boise St.
Louisiana Tech – Terry Bradshaw is not pleased that his team lost to Army. 14-7 Cadets
Utah St. – The Aggies are still pathetic. 30-28 Fresno St.
New Mexico St. – The Aggies are still pathetic. The Vandals get their first league win. 20-14 Idaho
Nevada – Reno drops to an even 4-4 2-2 record and the Rainbows go one-up on them. 38-31 Warriors


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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