Well, I hate to admit it, but this
was the first game this year, and hopefully the last, that I was unable
to see live. As I watched the score go by on the ticker and we went
down by 10 as the 3rd quarter started, I couldn’t help but think that
we were about to experience another field-rushing, historic moment in
some sorry school’s pathetic football history. For them being Duke,
this team appeared, at first glance, to be an upgrade of Duke teams
we’ve seen in the past. But as they are still Duke, we should have
pounded them into the turf of their mini-stadium. For the record, I did
watch the game, in it’s entirety, when I got home on Sunday, so the
analysis is based mainly on that.
Special Teams continue to be inconsistent, especially on the punting.
Sparkly Green Shoes managed to help his average and offset the 15-yard
shank with a 70+ yard launch, (wind aided, of course.) Benjamin is
still making guys miss, and I think we’ll see him bust open a lot more
as he matures.
Offense is still an enigma. It’s uncertain if Dook’s defense made us
look better than they were, but I’m sensing a bit of an improvement,
regardless of who’s playing QB. Any time we can score 49 points, I
really can’t complain even though there are a lot of issues remaining
and this team continues to show its youth each week. As far as the
quarterback controversy is concerned, I want whoever will help us win
to play, regardless of who it is. That being said, I’m not sure that
Marve was the problem. Glue Hands is, as we knew, still the man, and
I’m glad that we are finally letting him get the ball and make plays.
Defense is still soft. We really didn’t have an answer for them in the
first half. The only reason they didn’t score more was because they
were taking their sweet-ass time and controlling the clock, and thus
the game. We did manage to break up their complacency in the second
half, and their only points came off good field position after Harris
threw a pick, and the last second TD in garbage time. I think we still
have just about the worst red-zone defense in 1-A, so I guess the
answer to that is to keep them out of the red-zone all together like we
did with UniCeF last week.
Weak Florist is just that. Everybody was sucking them off for beating
Baylor, Ole Piss, and winning a couple of death-struggles with That
Clown College for Girls and Clemple. I see we are favored by 3 for this
week’s game. Unless it’s 3-0, I say we cover easily as long as we don’t
spot them any points… they won’t get them on their own.
Now for the Fails:
– 32-10 No change from last week.
St. – With a halftime lead and having a chance to stick it
to their former coach, Chuckie Cheats, the Crack Puppies give up 20 to
the Criminoles in the second half. 26-17 That Clown College for Girls
– Even worse than advertised. The Weak Florist offense wasn’t exactly
stellar leading up to this game, but getting blanked by the fighting
turtles says a lot. In their three conference games, Florist has scored
a total of one touchdown and is averaging eight points per game. If our
defense has a good day, they may have trouble even finding positive
yardage this week at homecoming. 26-0 Twerps
– Another choke-job from Clemple. I don’t think any of us could have
predicted the implosion they are having this year. Jello Yackets score
on a last minute TD to take the game. 21-17 Bees.
– Second half collapse prevented a field-rushing moment in Dook
football history. 49-31 Hurricanes snap their ACC losing streak.
– For being so excited about the “rebirth” of the football program, the
stadium was practically empty with most of the fourth quarter remaining.
– For managing to Botch another one. Dropping one more puts us back in
the driver’s seat for the division title. 16-13 Cavaqueers win the Pillowfight of the Week
– Because BC turned the ball over five times and you still managed to
lose. 28-23 Eagles
Big XII –
38-10 The South looks strong, but they’ll start taking each other out
– Things were looking good, but you got looted by the Pirate in the
second half and were completely shut down. 43-25 Raiders
– For only scoring 7 points against a mediocre Cornholer team and
giving them their first conference win. The basement is now yours
alone. 35-7 Cornholers
– For all the dolts who said Baylor was good… they’re not. 34-6 Cowpies
– If you couldn’t hang with Strip Mall U, why would anyone think you
could hang with Sam Bradfart? 45-31 Oklahomo
– Two second quarter touchdowns were enough for Colorado to get their
first conference win. 14-13 Buffs
– At halftime, this looked like it was going to be a real bloodbath. In
spite of 28 second-half points for Misery, it still was by the end.
56-31 Tea sips.
Big East –
24-12, 2-0 this week against a Sun Belt team and Navy.
– Apparently couldn’t handle Tampon’s humidity and couldn’t find any
points in the second half. 45-13 Strip Mall U
– For a little while, you had people fooled into thinking you were
going to be good until you lost two straight to teams coached by guys
who used to be at Miami. 12-10 Chimp
Big Ten –
31-10 State Penn and Taint are the last two 4-0 conference teams. They
will clash this week.
– Purdon’t looked like they were going to roll with this one, then the
Cats exploded and ended up with a rout. 48-26 NaWestern, who is now 6-1
– After bending over in Iowa City this week, the stinking Badgers are
0-4 in the Big Te(leve)n. 38-16 Hawkeye Pierce
– It’s like you didn’t even care that you had a big game at home this
week. 45-7 Taint
– Meatchicken had the lead at the half, then DickRod’s team laid the
big goose egg in the second half. 46-17 State Penn
– Dr. Zook decided to take out his frustration this week. At least you
have Central Michigan in two weeks to look forward to. (Then again,
maybe not.) 55-13 Chief-less Indian guys
– 16-27 I see UniCeF was able to stay out of the loss column by taking
the week off.
– A halftime lead was squandered as Ecoo tries to regain some
self-respect after their crash. 30-10 Butt Pirates
Mississippi – Farve’s boys are 0-3 in this putrid league,
and the Rice Truck stays home for this one. 45-40 Hooters
– For allowing UAB their first conference victory and blowing your
chances to rise. 23-21 Blazers
– The Mexicans are all over the place. They can’t decide if they are
going to be the pitcher or catcher. 77-35 Tulsa
Methodist – Smoo has been racking up a lot of points. Too
bad they’ve been giving up more. 44-38 Middle-aged Hot Women.
– 12-16, 0-3 this week. Shocking.
– Giving up 14 in the 4th forces OT. You came up empty. 27-24 Buffalo
– The Panthers had it on cruise control in the second half. 42-21 Pitt
– Are you sure you wanted to be in 1-A? 24-20 Schnelley and the Owls
– 20-28, 1-0 this week with the win over Army
– For letting the fake Miami pull themselves out of the cellar. 27-20
– Could the Chippewas possibly be the best team in Michigan? Too bad
they don’t play DickRod this year so we could find out. 38-28 Chippewas
– A real shootout, but the Hurons/Eagles come away with another L.
– Huge hangover from beating Meatchicken. The Rockettes get clobbered.
– 23-11 A MWC team cracks the Top-10 and is subsequently vanquished by
one of their own.
– With TCU’s only loss being against ‘Homo, I’m surprised it took this
long for them to crack the poll. 32-7 Horny Toads go to 7-1 and drop
– Good thing there are three teams in this garbage league that are
still winless to keep the Rammed out of the toilet. 49-16 Utes keep
San Diego St.
– All I can say is, “ugh!” Ancient Mexicans get conquered. 70-7 Spanish
– The Rebels put up a good fight against a decent Air Force team, but
came up empty and still winless in the conference. 29-28 Zoomies.
Pac 10 –
13-15 Luckily no non-conference games this week to perpetuate how much
– I thought the seven touchdown spread in a conference game with the
home team as the dog seemed a bit much. The broom-heads proved me wrong
as they lobby to be back in MNC contention. 69-0 Trojans
- *Yawn!* Crap-10 mediocre teams vying for the coveted Than Franthico
Emerald Nuts Bowl slot. 23-20 UCLA
– The looming apple cup game just looks like the epic suck-fest. 34-13
– Why were you still ranked? 42-27 Wildcats
Sun Belt –
9-22 and 1-1 this week.
St. – Yielding 21 in the 4th sealed this one for
Screwyville. 42-23 Cards in their Pizza stadium
– The Cajuns are starting to turn it on this season and remain unbeaten
in the conference. 28-23 USL
– For still being winless. 35-23 UNL
International – That Alleged University on Eighth Street
drops their lead in the conference standings, yet we’re not
particularly surprised. 33-23 Troy
–.28-5 Where are all your winners now?
– I didn’t notice, is Vanderbilt still ranked? No? Shocking. 24-14 Ugaly
– Ole Piss held Satan’s team scoreless in the second half, but it
wasn’t quite enough. 24-20 Laundry Detergent
– Pigs had this one in hand, and the Cats score 21 in the second half.
21-20 KY Jelly
– The west Bulldogs must be pretty horrible. 34-3 Fat Phil
– Stevil jumped on the purple tigers early, but Ellesseaux made the
adjustments at halftime. So much for his superior coaching intellect.
24-17 Purple Tigers
– Boise St. stays undefeated and rolls the Rainbows after a sluggish
start. 27-7 on the blue turf
– The Aggies are just horrible. 44-17 Reno
New Mexico St.
- The Aggies are just horrible. (Copy this line one more time for a2m.)
– Can anyone believe this team was actually in the original Pac-10 eons
ago? 46-14 La. Tech