DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Oct 22, 2008

Week 8

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

Well, I hate to admit it, but this was the first game this year, and hopefully the last, that I was unable to see live. As I watched the score go by on the ticker and we went down by 10 as the 3rd quarter started, I couldn’t help but think that we were about to experience another field-rushing, historic moment in some sorry school’s pathetic football history. For them being Duke, this team appeared, at first glance, to be an upgrade of Duke teams we’ve seen in the past. But as they are still Duke, we should have pounded them into the turf of their mini-stadium. For the record, I did watch the game, in it’s entirety, when I got home on Sunday, so the analysis is based mainly on that.

Special Teams continue to be inconsistent, especially on the punting. Sparkly Green Shoes managed to help his average and offset the 15-yard shank with a 70+ yard launch, (wind aided, of course.) Benjamin is still making guys miss, and I think we’ll see him bust open a lot more as he matures.

Offense is still an enigma. It’s uncertain if Dook’s defense made us look better than they were, but I’m sensing a bit of an improvement, regardless of who’s playing QB. Any time we can score 49 points, I really can’t complain even though there are a lot of issues remaining and this team continues to show its youth each week. As far as the quarterback controversy is concerned, I want whoever will help us win to play, regardless of who it is. That being said, I’m not sure that Marve was the problem. Glue Hands is, as we knew, still the man, and I’m glad that we are finally letting him get the ball and make plays.

Defense is still soft. We really didn’t have an answer for them in the first half. The only reason they didn’t score more was because they were taking their sweet-ass time and controlling the clock, and thus the game. We did manage to break up their complacency in the second half, and their only points came off good field position after Harris threw a pick, and the last second TD in garbage time. I think we still have just about the worst red-zone defense in 1-A, so I guess the answer to that is to keep them out of the red-zone all together like we did with UniCeF last week.

Weak Florist is just that. Everybody was sucking them off for beating Baylor, Ole Piss, and winning a couple of death-struggles with That Clown College for Girls and Clemple. I see we are favored by 3 for this week’s game. Unless it’s 3-0, I say we cover easily as long as we don’t spot them any points… they won’t get them on their own.

Now for the Fails:

Atlantic Coast – 32-10 No change from last week.
North Carolina St. – With a halftime lead and having a chance to stick it to their former coach, Chuckie Cheats, the Crack Puppies give up 20 to the Criminoles in the second half. 26-17 That Clown College for Girls
Wake Forest – Even worse than advertised. The Weak Florist offense wasn’t exactly stellar leading up to this game, but getting blanked by the fighting turtles says a lot. In their three conference games, Florist has scored a total of one touchdown and is averaging eight points per game. If our defense has a good day, they may have trouble even finding positive yardage this week at homecoming. 26-0 Twerps
Clemson – Another choke-job from Clemple. I don’t think any of us could have predicted the implosion they are having this year. Jello Yackets score on a last minute TD to take the game. 21-17 Bees.
Duke – Second half collapse prevented a field-rushing moment in Dook football history. 49-31 Hurricanes snap their ACC losing streak.
Duke Fans – For being so excited about the “rebirth” of the football program, the stadium was practically empty with most of the fourth quarter remaining.
North Carolina – For managing to Botch another one. Dropping one more puts us back in the driver’s seat for the division title. 16-13 Cavaqueers win the Pillowfight of the Week
Virginia Tech – Because BC turned the ball over five times and you still managed to lose. 28-23 Eagles

Big XII – 38-10 The South looks strong, but they’ll start taking each other out soon enough.
Texas A&M – Things were looking good, but you got looted by the Pirate in the second half and were completely shut down. 43-25 Raiders
Iowa St. – For only scoring 7 points against a mediocre Cornholer team and giving them their first conference win. The basement is now yours alone. 35-7 Cornholers
Baylor – For all the dolts who said Baylor was good… they’re not. 34-6 Cowpies
Kansas – If you couldn’t hang with Strip Mall U, why would anyone think you could hang with Sam Bradfart? 45-31 Oklahomo
Kansas St. – Two second quarter touchdowns were enough for Colorado to get their first conference win. 14-13 Buffs
Missouri – At halftime, this looked like it was going to be a real bloodbath. In spite of 28 second-half points for Misery, it still was by the end. 56-31 Tea sips.

Big East – 24-12, 2-0 this week against a Sun Belt team and Navy.
Syracuse – Apparently couldn’t handle Tampon’s humidity and couldn’t find any points in the second half. 45-13 Strip Mall U
Connecticut – For a little while, you had people fooled into thinking you were going to be good until you lost two straight to teams coached by guys who used to be at Miami. 12-10 Chimp

Big Ten – 31-10 State Penn and Taint are the last two 4-0 conference teams. They will clash this week.
Purdue – Purdon’t looked like they were going to roll with this one, then the Cats exploded and ended up with a rout. 48-26 NaWestern, who is now 6-1
Wisconsin – After bending over in Iowa City this week, the stinking Badgers are 0-4 in the Big Te(leve)n. 38-16 Hawkeye Pierce
Michigan St. – It’s like you didn’t even care that you had a big game at home this week. 45-7 Taint
Michigan – Meatchicken had the lead at the half, then DickRod’s team laid the big goose egg in the second half. 46-17 State Penn
Indiana – Dr. Zook decided to take out his frustration this week. At least you have Central Michigan in two weeks to look forward to. (Then again, maybe not.) 55-13 Chief-less Indian guys

Conference USA – 16-27 I see UniCeF was able to stay out of the loss column by taking the week off.
Memphis – A halftime lead was squandered as Ecoo tries to regain some self-respect after their crash. 30-10 Butt Pirates
Southern Mississippi – Farve’s boys are 0-3 in this putrid league, and the Rice Truck stays home for this one. 45-40 Hooters
Marshall – For allowing UAB their first conference victory and blowing your chances to rise. 23-21 Blazers
Texas-El Paso – The Mexicans are all over the place. They can’t decide if they are going to be the pitcher or catcher. 77-35 Tulsa
Southern Methodist – Smoo has been racking up a lot of points. Too bad they’ve been giving up more. 44-38 Middle-aged Hot Women.

Independents – 12-16, 0-3 this week. Shocking.
Army – Giving up 14 in the 4th forces OT. You came up empty. 27-24 Buffalo
Navy – The Panthers had it on cruise control in the second half. 42-21 Pitt
Western Kentucky – Are you sure you wanted to be in 1-A? 24-20 Schnelley and the Owls

Mid-American – 20-28, 1-0 this week with the win over Army
Bowling Green – For letting the fake Miami pull themselves out of the cellar. 27-20 Redskinhawks
Western Michigan – Could the Chippewas possibly be the best team in Michigan? Too bad they don’t play DickRod this year so we could find out. 38-28 Chippewas
Eastern Michigan – A real shootout, but the Hurons/Eagles come away with another L. 42-35 Kangaroos
Toledo – Huge hangover from beating Meatchicken. The Rockettes get clobbered. 38-7 Huskies

Mountain West – 23-11 A MWC team cracks the Top-10 and is subsequently vanquished by one of their own.
Brigham Young – With TCU’s only loss being against ‘Homo, I’m surprised it took this long for them to crack the poll. 32-7 Horny Toads go to 7-1 and drop the Mormons.
Colorad St. – Good thing there are three teams in this garbage league that are still winless to keep the Rammed out of the toilet. 49-16 Utes keep rolling.
San Diego St. – All I can say is, “ugh!” Ancient Mexicans get conquered. 70-7 Spanish Wolves
Nevada-Las Vegas – The Rebels put up a good fight against a decent Air Force team, but came up empty and still winless in the conference. 29-28 Zoomies.

Pac 10 – 13-15 Luckily no non-conference games this week to perpetuate how much you suck.
Washington St. – I thought the seven touchdown spread in a conference game with the home team as the dog seemed a bit much. The broom-heads proved me wrong as they lobby to be back in MNC contention. 69-0 Trojans
Stanford - *Yawn!* Crap-10 mediocre teams vying for the coveted Than Franthico Emerald Nuts Bowl slot. 23-20 UCLA
Washington – The looming apple cup game just looks like the epic suck-fest. 34-13 Beavers
California – Why were you still ranked? 42-27 Wildcats

Sun Belt – 9-22 and 1-1 this week.
Middle Tennessee St. – Yielding 21 in the 4th sealed this one for Screwyville. 42-23 Cards in their Pizza stadium
Arkansas St. – The Cajuns are starting to turn it on this season and remain unbeaten in the conference. 28-23 USL
North Texas – For still being winless. 35-23 UNL
Florida International – That Alleged University on Eighth Street drops their lead in the conference standings, yet we’re not particularly surprised. 33-23 Troy

Southeast –.28-5 Where are all your winners now?
Vanderbilt – I didn’t notice, is Vanderbilt still ranked? No? Shocking. 24-14 Ugaly
Mississippi – Ole Piss held Satan’s team scoreless in the second half, but it wasn’t quite enough. 24-20 Laundry Detergent
Arkansas – Pigs had this one in hand, and the Cats score 21 in the second half. 21-20 KY Jelly
Mississippi St. – The west Bulldogs must be pretty horrible. 34-3 Fat Phil
South Carolina – Stevil jumped on the purple tigers early, but Ellesseaux made the adjustments at halftime. So much for his superior coaching intellect. 24-17 Purple Tigers

Western Athletic – 17-17
Hawaii – Boise St. stays undefeated and rolls the Rainbows after a sluggish start. 27-7 on the blue turf
Utah St. – The Aggies are just horrible. 44-17 Reno
New Mexico St. - The Aggies are just horrible. (Copy this line one more time for a2m.) 31-14 Spartans
Idaho – Can anyone believe this team was actually in the original Pac-10 eons ago? 46-14 La. Tech


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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