DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Oct 13, 2008

Week 7

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

By virtue of our narrow escape this week, I managed to be spared from Mrs. Darth, a UCF alumna, having bragging rights over me… a particularly unpleasant thought considering her complete ambivalence toward anything related to football.

If there’s ever been a time when I’ve been most unsettled after a win, this would be that time. I can honestly say, in the spirit of RasingCane, that I’m worried about our chances against Dook this week.

Offense: Fail! Marve is really starting to have Kyle-esque numbers. Three interceptions this weekend, including a pick-6, brought his total on the season to 8. His QB rating has dropped below 100 on the season having posted two consecutive weeks with a 60. I don’t know if he’s just trying to force things or PNix has him set up for failure, but nevertheless, I’m very concerned for how this will play out, and given Saturday’s events, I agree with Randy when he identified the fact we now have a QB controversy. In all fairness, Harris’ numbers aren’t that much better at the moment. Some other things that stick out were that Glue Hands had zero touches, and Coop carried the ball 23 times. Benjamin had two good receptions, but I still am not sure what the heck PNix was calling half the time.

Special Teams: Fail! There were a couple of highlights, but they don’t make up for the shanked punts and giving up the 91-yard kick return. I had given credit to special teams last week for being the bright spot and showing improvement, but I have rescinded that now.

Defense: Good Job! This group won the game for us, thankfully. We held them to 3-of-18 on 3rd downs and only yielded 78 total yards and zero points. UniCeF had negative rushing yards at some point in the second half, and only finished with 4. The worst damage was a 26 yard gash by the QB, but that was about it.

Atlantic Coast – 4-0 out of conference, bringing the season tally to a respectable 32-10. Massey actually ranks the ACC #1. Go figure?
Clemson – This game had serious Pillowfight of the Week potential, but Clemple’s performance stands on it’s own. Somehow, Weak Florist managed to go 2-0 in the conference having only found the end zone once. 12-7 Baptists.
***Edit*** The announcement came while I was typing this, that Tommy has been shitcanned. Not that I’d ever suggest we hire a Bowden, but would you trade PNix for him?
Miami – For not being able to put away one of the worst teams on the schedule.
Georgia Tech – 10-7 over Gardner-Webb… seriously? I guess the Runnin’ Bulldogs found a way to shut down the option. I think this is a shoe-in for Pillowfight of the Week.

Big XII – No OOC games this week and 38-10 on the year.
Oklahoma – Another #1 team bites the dust. Oklahomo was -2 in the turnover category and gave up 25 second-half points. 45-35 to the new #1 team Texass.
Colorado – This is becoming a regular event for Ralphie’s team. 30-14 Birds.
Texas A&M – I’m starting to just feel sorry for a2m now, especially with the Pirate coming to town. At least three of their last five games are against teams with sub-500 records.
Nebraska – A furious comeback and 21 4th quarter points is negated in OT. The Cornholers are struggling at 3-3. 37-31 and The Pirate goes to 6-0
Iowa St. – They play Nebraska, Colorado, and A&M in three of their next four games. I won’t be watching. 38-10 Baylor.
Missouri – It looks like Mizzou decided to choke early this year on their top-5 ranking. A critical 4th quarter interception sealed the deal for the Cowpies. 28-23 Okie St.

Big East – 1-0 OOC, 22-12 on the year.
Syracuse – Not that we really expected anything from the juicers, but Wet Vagina couldn’t close the deal until the 4th. 17-6 Mountainqueers.
Rutgers – The drugs are working… Scarlet Fever is in remission! 13-10 Bearcats.

Big Ten – A big fat 0-1 (see below.) 31-10 on the year.
Indiana – Did anyone notice that your only 1-A victory came against Western Kentucky? 45-9 Eyes of Hawk.
Illinois – Zook and his injuns had a chance to position for the Rose Bowl again, but lost to the rodents. 27-20 Stars of Caddyshack.
Purdue – As Randy said, “Purdon’t.” 16-3 Taint.
Wisconsin – Cheeseheads don’t even put up a fight and get violated in the shower. 48-7 State Penn.
Northwestern – I can’t believe this was actually their first loss. 37-20 Spartans.
Michigan – DickRod is rapidly becoming an underground success at Meatchicken. Klinger would be proud. 13-10 Holy Toledo!

Conference USA – 0-4 this week. 16-27 on the year. In the running for perpetual sore-ass award.
Alabama-Birmingham - Even with That Cow College struggling, they still have a lock on “worst team in Alabama.” 45-20 Cougars.
Memphis – If you had only shown up for the second quarter (when you gave up 28 points,) who knows? 35-28 Louisville.
East Carolina – Beating VThug and Wet Vagina seems like ages ago now, doesn’t it? 35-20 Cavaqueers.
Central Florida – Miami’s anemic offense and schizophrenic special teams weren’t enough to save UniCeF from their ability to not score any points on offense. 20-14 ‘Canes (thankfully.)
Southern Methodist – Smoo is just bad, but this is the closest they’ve been to beating a 1-A team. Too bad they gave up 13 points and consequently the game in the 4th. 37-31 Fake Hurricanes.
Southern Mississippi – Second quarter scoring: 24-7. Final: 24-7 Boise St., and the Broncos are 5-0.
Tulane – El Guapo’s banditos are quickly shaking off their recent stay in the bottom 10 having posted a 3-0 record in this putrid conference. Tulame has 21 in the first half, but can’t hold on. 24-21 Miners.

Independents – 1-2 this week and 12-13 for the year.
Notre Dame – This was the one week Randy actually wanted you to win, and your Weeble coach couldn’t find a way to out-coach Botch David. (And because we hate you, and always will.) 29-24 Tar Holes.
Western Kentucky – Another cupcake victim to Letterman’s team. 24-7 Ballsack St.

Mid-American – 2-1 this week (Go Toledo!), 19-28 on the year.
Eastern Michigan – A scoreless second half, and you’re on your way to fail. 17-13 Army.
Kent St. – The Flashes still Kent win. 26-19 Bobcats.
Buffalo – That team from Kalamazoo not only fought their way back in this one, they stuffed you in OT. 34-28 Broncos.
Temple – Is anyone really surprised? Do you care? 24-14 Chippewas.
The Other Miami – Still disgracing the name of Miami. 17-13 NIU.
Akron – Another huge choke-job by the Kangaroos. 23 4th quarter points by the Falcons. 37-33 Bowling Green.

Mountain West – No OOC games this week. 23-11 on the year.
Wyoming – An old Italian word meaning, “no state here.” Yeah, that’s about right. 40-7 Utes.
Colorado St. – Good defense. Too bad you couldn’t score more than once. 13-7 Horny Toads.
New Mexico – You managed to slow down the Mormons, but weren’t going to beat them with a lone field goal. 21-3 Cougars.
San Diego St. – It’s been a while since I remember the Aztecs being this bad. 35-10 Zoomies.

Pac 10 – No OOC games this week and 13-15 on the year.
Arizona St. – I guess Pink forgot where the endzone was. 28-0 Trojans
Arizona – Stanfraud takes out one more Pac 10 undefeated team leaving only idle Cal Berkley at 2-0. 24-23 Fraud on a last second TD.
Washington St. – At least you still have the game against U-Dub to look forward to. 66-13 Beavers.
California-Los Angeles – Apparently the well is dry if the general can not find water. Scoreless first half leads to the fourth loss on the year. 31-24 Ducks.

Sun Belt – No OOC games, 8-21 on the season.
Florida Atlantic – It’s looking bleak that last year’s performance will be replicated. 30-17 Troy.
North Texas – You should probably consider changing your mascot to something a little less mean. 59-30 Cajuns.
Louisiana-The Clown – Nothing to see here… move along. 37-29 Arkansas St. Indians, Red Wolves, WTF ever they are.
Middle Tennessee St. – Super Mario and the Golden Showers come out with another W and go 2-0 in the Scum Belt. 31-21 That Alleged University on Eighth Street.

Southeast – No OOC games, 28-5 on the year.
Kentucky – Couldn’t hang on, could you? 24-17 Stevil wins on 10 4th quarter points.
Vanderbilt – Ah, welcome home, Commodore. 17-14 West Bulldogs
Tennessee – I can’t remember the Vols being this bad. 26-14 East Bulldogs.
That Cow College – No OC, still no offense. 25-22 Pigs.
Louisiana St. – For getting pwn3d by the Turds, and it wasn’t even close. 51-21 UFaG.

Western Athletic – 1-0 and 17-17 for the year.
Nevada – The Wolfpack couldn’t keep up in this score-fest. 48-45 New Mexico St.
Utah St. – Seven points in garbage time was not going to save you. 30-7 San Joser St.
Idaho – We miss you, Dennis. 45-32 Fresno.
Louisiana Tech – Back to back road games at Boise and Hawaii. At least you’ll have enough frequent flyer miles to take a nice vacation when your season’s over after November. 24-14 Hawaii.


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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