By virtue of our narrow escape this
week, I managed to be spared from Mrs. Darth, a UCF alumna, having
bragging rights over me… a particularly unpleasant thought considering
her complete ambivalence toward anything related to football.
If there’s ever been a time when I’ve been most unsettled after a win,
this would be that time. I can honestly say, in the spirit of
RasingCane, that I’m worried about our chances against Dook this week.
Offense: Fail! Marve is really starting to have Kyle-esque numbers.
Three interceptions this weekend, including a pick-6, brought his total
on the season to 8. His QB rating has dropped below 100 on the season
having posted two consecutive weeks with a 60. I don’t know if he’s
just trying to force things or PNix has him set up for failure, but
nevertheless, I’m very concerned for how this will play out, and given
Saturday’s events, I agree with Randy when he identified the fact we
now have a QB controversy. In all fairness, Harris’ numbers aren’t that
much better at the moment. Some other things that stick out were that
Glue Hands had zero touches, and Coop carried the ball 23 times.
Benjamin had two good receptions, but I still am not sure what the heck
PNix was calling half the time.
Special Teams: Fail! There were a couple of highlights, but they don’t
make up for the shanked punts and giving up the 91-yard kick return. I
had given credit to special teams last week for being the bright spot
and showing improvement, but I have rescinded that now.
Defense: Good Job! This group won the game for us, thankfully. We held
them to 3-of-18 on 3rd downs and only yielded 78 total yards and zero
points. UniCeF had negative rushing yards at some point in the second
half, and only finished with 4. The worst damage was a 26 yard gash by
the QB, but that was about it.
– 4-0 out of conference, bringing the season tally to a respectable
32-10. Massey actually ranks the ACC #1. Go figure?
– This game had serious Pillowfight of the Week potential, but
Clemple’s performance stands on it’s own. Somehow, Weak Florist managed
to go 2-0 in the conference having only found the end zone once. 12-7
announcement came while I was typing this, that Tommy has been
shitcanned. Not that I’d ever suggest we hire a Bowden, but would you
trade PNix for him?
– For not being able to put away one of the worst teams on the schedule.
– 10-7 over Gardner-Webb… seriously? I guess the Runnin’ Bulldogs found
a way to shut down the option. I think this is a shoe-in for Pillowfight of the Week.
Big XII – No
OOC games this week and 38-10 on the year.
– Another #1 team bites the dust. Oklahomo was -2 in the turnover
category and gave up 25 second-half points. 45-35 to the new #1 team
– This is becoming a regular event for Ralphie’s team. 30-14 Birds.
– I’m starting to just feel sorry for a2m now, especially with the
Pirate coming to town. At least three of their last five games are
against teams with sub-500 records.
– A furious comeback and 21 4th quarter points is negated in OT. The
Cornholers are struggling at 3-3. 37-31 and The Pirate goes to 6-0
– They play Nebraska, Colorado, and A&M in three of their next
four games. I won’t be watching. 38-10 Baylor.
– It looks like Mizzou decided to choke early this year on their top-5
ranking. A critical 4th quarter interception sealed the deal for the
Cowpies. 28-23 Okie St.
Big East –
1-0 OOC, 22-12 on the year.
– Not that we really expected anything from the juicers, but Wet Vagina
couldn’t close the deal until the 4th. 17-6 Mountainqueers.
– The drugs are working… Scarlet Fever is in remission! 13-10 Bearcats.
Big Ten – A
big fat 0-1 (see below.) 31-10 on the year.
– Did anyone notice that your only 1-A victory came against Western
Kentucky? 45-9 Eyes of Hawk.
– Zook and his injuns had a chance to position for the Rose Bowl again,
but lost to the rodents. 27-20 Stars of Caddyshack.
– As Randy said, “Purdon’t.” 16-3 Taint.
– Cheeseheads don’t even put up a fight and get violated in the shower.
48-7 State Penn.
– I can’t believe this was actually their first loss. 37-20 Spartans.
– DickRod is rapidly becoming an underground success at Meatchicken.
Klinger would be proud. 13-10 Holy Toledo!
– 0-4 this week. 16-27 on the year. In the running for perpetual
- Even with That Cow College struggling, they still have a lock on
“worst team in Alabama.” 45-20 Cougars.
– If you had only shown up for the second quarter (when you gave up 28
points,) who knows? 35-28 Louisville.
– Beating VThug and Wet Vagina seems like ages ago now, doesn’t it?
– Miami’s anemic offense and schizophrenic special teams weren’t enough
to save UniCeF from their ability to not score any points on offense.
20-14 ‘Canes (thankfully.)
Methodist – Smoo is just bad, but this is the closest
they’ve been to beating a 1-A team. Too bad they gave up 13 points and
consequently the game in the 4th. 37-31 Fake Hurricanes.
Mississippi – Second quarter scoring: 24-7. Final: 24-7
Boise St., and the Broncos are 5-0.
– El Guapo’s banditos are quickly shaking off their recent stay in the
bottom 10 having posted a 3-0 record in this putrid conference. Tulame
has 21 in the first half, but can’t hold on. 24-21 Miners.
– 1-2 this week and 12-13 for the year.
– This was the one week Randy actually wanted you to win, and your
Weeble coach couldn’t find a way to out-coach Botch David. (And because
we hate you, and always will.) 29-24 Tar Holes.
– Another cupcake victim to Letterman’s team. 24-7 Ballsack St.
– 2-1 this week (Go Toledo!), 19-28 on the year.
– A scoreless second half, and you’re on your way to fail. 17-13 Army.
– The Flashes still Kent win. 26-19 Bobcats.
– That team from Kalamazoo not only fought their way back in this one,
they stuffed you in OT. 34-28 Broncos.
– Is anyone really surprised? Do you care? 24-14 Chippewas.
The Other Miami
– Still disgracing the name of Miami. 17-13 NIU.
– Another huge choke-job by the Kangaroos. 23 4th quarter points by the
Falcons. 37-33 Bowling Green.
– No OOC games this week. 23-11 on the year.
– An old Italian word meaning, “no state here.” Yeah, that’s about
right. 40-7 Utes.
– Good defense. Too bad you couldn’t score more than once. 13-7 Horny
– You managed to slow down the Mormons, but weren’t going to beat them
with a lone field goal. 21-3 Cougars.
San Diego St.
– It’s been a while since I remember the Aztecs being this bad. 35-10
Pac 10 – No
OOC games this week and 13-15 on the year.
– I guess Pink forgot where the endzone was. 28-0 Trojans
– Stanfraud takes out one more Pac 10 undefeated team leaving only idle
Cal Berkley at 2-0. 24-23 Fraud on a last second TD.
– At least you still have the game against U-Dub to look forward to.
Angeles – Apparently the well is dry if the general can
not find water. Scoreless first half leads to the fourth loss on the
year. 31-24 Ducks.
Sun Belt –
No OOC games, 8-21 on the season.
– It’s looking bleak that last year’s performance will be replicated.
– You should probably consider changing your mascot to something a
little less mean. 59-30 Cajuns.
Clown – Nothing to see here… move along. 37-29 Arkansas
St. Indians, Red Wolves, WTF ever they are.
St. – Super Mario and the Golden Showers come out with
another W and go 2-0 in the Scum Belt. 31-21 That Alleged University on
No OOC games, 28-5 on the year.
– Couldn’t hang on, could you? 24-17 Stevil wins on 10 4th quarter
– Ah, welcome home, Commodore. 17-14 West Bulldogs
– I can’t remember the Vols being this bad. 26-14 East Bulldogs.
That Cow College
– No OC, still no offense. 25-22 Pigs.
– For getting pwn3d by the Turds, and it wasn’t even close. 51-21 UFaG.
– 1-0 and 17-17 for the year.
– The Wolfpack couldn’t keep up in this score-fest. 48-45 New Mexico St.
– Seven points in garbage time was not going to save you. 30-7 San
– We miss you, Dennis. 45-32 Fresno.
– Back to back road games at Boise and Hawaii. At least you’ll have
enough frequent flyer miles to take a nice vacation when your season’s
over after November. 24-14 Hawaii.