DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Oct 07, 2008

Week 6

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

Well, I somehow managed to avoid both a massive coronary and breaking anything significant while watching our game this week. I guess I can be thankful for small miracles.

Although I have plenty to say about it, I didn't really want to rehash our entire putrid performance since that horse has been beaten dead and bloody. Instead, I'll just give the highlight points:
Special Teams - If you take out the 43-yard opening kick off, They only averaged 13.6 yards per return... much better. On our end, 25.4, and Bosher continues to lay it out on the field.
Offense - Still sucks. PNix coming out throwing garbage in the first drive (and I use that term loosely) to "silence his critics" is just stupid. 2 of 15 on 3rd down? 49 passes vs. 14 rushes? There are many things to rip on, so I'll just say that Benjamin and Glue Hands need to see more playing time. (If the Coop pass had gone to Shields or Jones instead of Benjamin, who else thinks they drop that one?)
Defense - It's easy to say that they were tired because our lack of first downs/possession on offense, but let's be honest. The problems started in the first quarter with the D, so Young doesn't get a pass this week. 11 of 17 on 3rd downs (and how many were 3rd and long?) The Defense can claim to be tired all they want, but if they can force 3-and-out, then they rest... even if it is only for the next four plays. Oh, and I can't leave out our 0% stops in the red zone. On the up side, Spence continues to destroy people. It sucks that we have some season ending injuries (like McCarthy) but if Spence is playing more, that helps us in the long run (if not the immediate future.)

Intensity in the second half, coupled with That Clown College for Girls's desire to suck, got us back in the game and we almost pulled off the comeback. As I pointed out before, it's been two years since we've won a close game (<7 points) so we need to close the deal. We had two or three chances Saturday and didn't get it done.

No moral victories, but things are falling in place and if we can learn from our mistakes, I have nothing but hope that this team will destroy everyone very soon. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we Punish UCF and Duke in the next two games. They are both very much outmatched and we should win these games on talent alone.

Now that’s out of the way… on with the Fails.

Atlantic Coast – 2-0 against invalids and posers. Who gives a fack.
Miami – For being in last place in the ACC (and all that other stuff.)
Duke – Dookie has returned to being themselves. 27-0 Bees
Maryland – For getting shut-out by UVAg. 31-zip Cavaqueers.
North Carolina St. – For sharing last place with us. 38-31 BC
That Clown College for Girls – This would be more like an honorable mention for almost sh!tting the bed against us in the 2nd half, but this highlight is more based on Randy’s earlier account of classless acts by That Clown College for Girls players and fans which are standard operating procedure for the crowd from Trailerhassee. Drink bleach!

Big XII – Six conference games this week.
Iowa St. – For holding Kandass scoreless in the first half, and forgetting to do the same in the second. 35-33 funny-looking birds.
Kansas St. – For bringing a knife to a gunfight. 58-28 Red Raider the Pirate.
Texas A&M – Sorry. 56-28 Cowpies roll.
Baylor – Not even The Circus could save you from giving up four touchdowns in the 1st quarter (and you didn’t even turn the ball over.) 49-17 Oklahomo.
Colorado – Yes, the Buffs are one of the worst teams in the Big Twelve. A scorless first half leads the way to a victory for the tea-sips. 38-14 t.u.
Nebraska – The Cornholers will be challenging the Buffs for the bottom slot in the North. The Tigers turned off the jets after the 3rd. 52-17 Mizzou.

Big East – 1-1 with the win coming against the Turds.
Strip Mall U – How you can slip by a few dogsh!t teams and lose to another one, yet still be ranked is what’s currently wrong with the system. Keep talking about how you get no respect and have some fictional chip on your shoulder. 26-21 Wanstache.
Rutgers – How does 1-4 feel? Nostalgic? 24-17 Mountainqueers.
Connecticut – How in the hell were you ranked to begin with? Good job front-loading your schedule with cream-puffs before playing the cream-puffs in the Big Yeast. 38-12 Tar Holes.

Big Ten – Five conference games this week (with N’Western off.)
Iowa – You fail for not kicking the FG to force OT. 16-13 Spartans go 2-0 in conference.
Purdue – You slowed State Penn down, but forgot to score in the process. 20-6 State Penn.
Wisconsin – You fail for blowing the lead and letting Taint eek-out another win… but then again, what do we expect from people who wear cheese on their head? 20-17 Taint.
Indiana – Because you suck. 16-7 Gophers -Pillowfight of the Week-
Michigan – Watching the score for this game run across the ticker was the closest thing to joy I felt while suffering through our game. DickRod and Meatchicken earned this one. 45-20 Illini and Dr. Zook.

Conference USA – 0-2 and the “sore ass” award of the week.
Southern Methodist – Good job letting O’Queery and company escape the Bottom-10 and giving them the only win they’ll see in a while. 31-17 Iron Pyrite Knights.
Alabama-Birmingham – Sucks getting the leftovers from that toilet paper school and That Cow College, doesn’t it? 33-30 Memphis.
Marshall – Second consecutive loss to a Big Yeast team. 33-10 Cincy.
Tulane – For giving Army their first win. 44-13 Grunts.
Southern Mississippi – For letting hapless UT-North Mexico get their second win in a row. 40-37 El Guapo’s gang wins in OT.
Rice – Apparently the Rice truck got lost on the way to Oklahomo. 63-28 win for TulsaFan’s team.

Independents – 3-1
Western Kentucky – For playing a game in Blackturd by choice. 27-13 VThug.
Notre Dame – For having played four home games in six weeks. (And because we hate you, and always will.)

Mid-American – 0-1 being a near win against the “mighty” SEC.
Kent St. – Still Kent win. 30-27 Akrid in OT.
Miami Ohio – For losing at home to Temple! (I’d like to open the floor for nominations of substitute names for “the other Miami.") 28-10 Hooters.
Northern Illinois – For not finding a way to beat the sorriest Tennessee team I’ve seen in recent memory. 13-9 Vols.
Ohio – Too bad this isn’t Ohio Taint. 41-20 Broncos go 5-1.
Bowling Green – How do you have “green” in your name but not in your school colors? 24-21 Eagles
Toledo – The Rockets get blanked by the Cards on their way to 6-0 and Letterman is happy. 31-0 Ballsack St.

Mountain West – 2-1 as the Epic Mormon Bowl is still on course for November.
Nevada-Las Vegas – After having a good start, you’ve failed to maintain. 41-28 Rams.
San Diego St. – The Aztecs are just pathetic. 41-7 Horny Toads
Air Force – The Falcons have crashed hard after coming up short against the Utes last week. They lose this one to the Middies after two blocked punts. 33-27 Navy.
Wyoming – 0-3 in the MWC, and shut out by Sheriff Lobo. 24-0 New Mexico.

Pac 10 – 0-2 Thanks for not improving.
Oregon St. – What a letdown after knocking off #1. 31-28 and Utah goes 6-0.
Stanford – The Reds comes up short in the shadow of touchdown Jebus. 28-21 Facking Irish.
Washington – U-dub is quickly becoming one of the worst teams in the country. 48-14 Wildcats.
Washington St. – Well, at least you’re not U-dub since you’ve managed to win a game this year. 28-3 South Bears.
Arizona St. – Pink must have forgot that ASsU was 10 points down from the 1st quarter. 24-14 North Bears.
Oregon – Come on… who didn’t think the latex products wouldn’t bounce back this week? 44-10 Broom Helmet Guys.

Sun Belt – Three conference games this week.
Florida Atlantic – So much for duplicating last year’s “success.” Hail Mary makes it 14-13 Blue Horse Raider MUTS.
North Texas – How bad do you have to be to get your sh!t pushed in by That Alleged University on Eighth Street? 42-10 Golden Showers.
Louisiana-The Clown – For pussing-out and changing your mascot from Indians. Oh, and for losing 44-35 to the Cajuns… a’ite?

Southeast – 1-0 against the MAC… whoopee!
Arkansas – Why did anyone think this team was good? 38-7 UFaG
Kentucky – You came up just shy of shattering the Satan/Alabamastan myth. 17-14 Laundry Detergent.
Mississippi – Darth Visor escapes defeat again. 31-24 Fighting Chickens.
That Cow College – For taking a nap after the 1st quarter and letting Vanderbilt go 5-0. 14-13 Not quite Admirals but better than Captains.

Western Athletic – 1-1, 0-1 against 1-A.
Louisiana Tech – Shouldn’t you be in the Sun Belt with the other Louisiana bottom-feeders? Traveling to Boise Ida-son of a b!tch, sh!t eating-ho is a long way to go to get your ass handed to you in a conference game. 38-3 on the Blue Turf
Utah St. – Down 24 at halftime and never recovered. 34-14 Mormons.
New Mexico St. – You actually needed to play a 1-AA team this late in the season?
Fresno St. – You rightfully dropped out of the rankings this week for being a poser, but I can’t figure out why you are still getting votes in the poll. 32-29 Rainbows in OT.
Idaho – A scoreless 1st half and a winless conference record. 49-14 Reno.

 

Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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