Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic
Fails of the week. These are college football's embarassments
and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.
Here is this week's latest, also seen at: this link on CanesOverHere.com's football
Well, I somehow managed to avoid
both a massive coronary and breaking anything significant while
watching our game this week. I guess I can be thankful for small
Although I have plenty to say about it, I didn't really want to rehash
our entire putrid performance since that horse has been beaten dead and
bloody. Instead, I'll just give the highlight points:
Special Teams - If you take out the 43-yard opening kick off, They only
averaged 13.6 yards per return... much better. On our end, 25.4, and
Bosher continues to lay it out on the field.
Offense - Still sucks. PNix coming out throwing garbage in the first
drive (and I use that term loosely) to "silence his critics" is just
stupid. 2 of 15 on 3rd down? 49 passes vs. 14 rushes? There are many
things to rip on, so I'll just say that Benjamin and Glue Hands need to
see more playing time. (If the Coop pass had gone to Shields or Jones
instead of Benjamin, who else thinks they drop that one?)
Defense - It's easy to say that they were tired because our lack of
first downs/possession on offense, but let's be honest. The problems
started in the first quarter with the D, so Young doesn't get a pass
this week. 11 of 17 on 3rd downs (and how many were 3rd and long?) The
Defense can claim to be tired all they want, but if they can force
3-and-out, then they rest... even if it is only for the next four
plays. Oh, and I can't leave out our 0% stops in the red zone. On the
up side, Spence continues to destroy people. It sucks that we have some
season ending injuries (like McCarthy) but if Spence is playing more,
that helps us in the long run (if not the immediate future.)
Intensity in the second half, coupled with That Clown College for
Girls's desire to suck, got us back in the game and we almost pulled
off the comeback. As I pointed out before, it's been two years since
we've won a close game (<7 points) so we need to close the deal.
We had two or three chances Saturday and didn't get it done.
No moral victories, but things are falling in place and if we can learn
from our mistakes, I have nothing but hope that this team will destroy
everyone very soon. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we
Punish UCF and Duke in the next two games. They are both very much
outmatched and we should win these games on talent alone.
Now that’s out of the way… on with the Fails.
– 2-0 against invalids and posers. Who gives a fack.
– For being in last place in the ACC (and all that other stuff.)
– Dookie has returned to being themselves. 27-0 Bees
– For getting shut-out by UVAg. 31-zip Cavaqueers.
St. – For sharing last place with us. 38-31 BC
College for Girls – This would be more like an honorable
mention for almost sh!tting the bed against us in the 2nd half, but
this highlight is more based on Randy’s earlier account of classless
acts by That Clown College for Girls players and fans which are
standard operating procedure for the crowd from Trailerhassee. Drink
Big XII –
Six conference games this week.
– For holding Kandass scoreless in the first half, and forgetting to do
the same in the second. 35-33 funny-looking birds.
– For bringing a knife to a gunfight. 58-28 Red Raider the Pirate.
– Sorry. 56-28 Cowpies roll.
– Not even The Circus could save you from giving up four touchdowns in
the 1st quarter (and you didn’t even turn the ball over.) 49-17
– Yes, the Buffs are one of the worst teams in the Big Twelve. A
scorless first half leads the way to a victory for the tea-sips. 38-14
– The Cornholers will be challenging the Buffs for the bottom slot in
the North. The Tigers turned off the jets after the 3rd. 52-17 Mizzou.
Big East –
1-1 with the win coming against the Turds.
Strip Mall U
– How you can slip by a few dogsh!t teams and lose to another one, yet
still be ranked is what’s currently wrong with the system. Keep talking
about how you get no respect and have some fictional chip on your
shoulder. 26-21 Wanstache.
– How does 1-4 feel? Nostalgic? 24-17 Mountainqueers.
– How in the hell were you ranked to begin with? Good job front-loading
your schedule with cream-puffs before playing the cream-puffs in the
Big Yeast. 38-12 Tar Holes.
Big Ten –
Five conference games this week (with N’Western off.)
– You fail for not kicking the FG to force OT. 16-13 Spartans go 2-0 in
– You slowed State Penn down, but forgot to score in the process. 20-6
– You fail for blowing the lead and letting Taint eek-out another win…
but then again, what do we expect from people who wear cheese on their
head? 20-17 Taint.
– Because you suck. 16-7 Gophers -Pillowfight of the Week-
– Watching the score for this game run across the ticker was the
closest thing to joy I felt while suffering through our game. DickRod
and Meatchicken earned this one. 45-20 Illini and Dr. Zook.
– 0-2 and the “sore ass” award of the week.
Methodist – Good job letting O’Queery and company escape
the Bottom-10 and giving them the only win they’ll see in a while.
31-17 Iron Pyrite Knights.
– Sucks getting the leftovers from that toilet paper school and That
Cow College, doesn’t it? 33-30 Memphis.
– Second consecutive loss to a Big Yeast team. 33-10 Cincy.
– For giving Army their first win. 44-13 Grunts.
Mississippi – For letting hapless UT-North Mexico get
their second win in a row. 40-37 El Guapo’s gang wins in OT.
– Apparently the Rice truck got lost on the way to Oklahomo. 63-28 win
for TulsaFan’s team.
– For playing a game in Blackturd by choice. 27-13 VThug.
– For having played four home games in six weeks. (And because we hate
you, and always will.)
– 0-1 being a near win against the “mighty” SEC.
– Still Kent win. 30-27 Akrid in OT.
– For losing at home to Temple! (I’d like to open the floor for
nominations of substitute names for “the other Miami.") 28-10 Hooters.
– For not finding a way to beat the sorriest Tennessee team I’ve seen
in recent memory. 13-9 Vols.
– Too bad this isn’t Ohio Taint. 41-20 Broncos go 5-1.
– How do you have “green” in your name but not in your school colors?
– The Rockets get blanked by the Cards on their way to 6-0 and
Letterman is happy. 31-0 Ballsack St.
– 2-1 as the Epic Mormon Bowl is still on course for November.
– After having a good start, you’ve failed to maintain. 41-28 Rams.
San Diego St.
– The Aztecs are just pathetic. 41-7 Horny Toads
– The Falcons have crashed hard after coming up short against the Utes
last week. They lose this one to the Middies after two blocked punts.
– 0-3 in the MWC, and shut out by Sheriff Lobo. 24-0 New Mexico.
Pac 10 – 0-2
Thanks for not improving.
– What a letdown after knocking off #1. 31-28 and Utah goes 6-0.
– The Reds comes up short in the shadow of touchdown Jebus. 28-21
– U-dub is quickly becoming one of the worst teams in the country.
– Well, at least you’re not U-dub since you’ve managed to win a game
this year. 28-3 South Bears.
– Pink must have forgot that ASsU was 10 points down from the 1st
quarter. 24-14 North Bears.
– Come on… who didn’t think the latex products wouldn’t bounce back
this week? 44-10 Broom Helmet Guys.
Sun Belt –
Three conference games this week.
– So much for duplicating last year’s “success.” Hail Mary makes it
14-13 Blue Horse Raider MUTS.
– How bad do you have to be to get your sh!t pushed in by That Alleged
University on Eighth Street? 42-10 Golden Showers.
Clown – For pussing-out and changing your mascot from
Indians. Oh, and for losing 44-35 to the Cajuns… a’ite?
1-0 against the MAC… whoopee!
– Why did anyone think this team was good? 38-7 UFaG
– You came up just shy of shattering the Satan/Alabamastan myth. 17-14
– Darth Visor escapes defeat again. 31-24 Fighting Chickens.
That Cow College
– For taking a nap after the 1st quarter and letting Vanderbilt go 5-0.
14-13 Not quite Admirals but better than Captains.
– 1-1, 0-1 against 1-A.
– Shouldn’t you be in the Sun Belt with the other Louisiana
bottom-feeders? Traveling to Boise Ida-son of a b!tch, sh!t eating-ho
is a long way to go to get your ass handed to you in a conference game.
38-3 on the Blue Turf
– Down 24 at halftime and never recovered. 34-14 Mormons.
New Mexico St.
– You actually needed to play a 1-AA team this late in the season?
– You rightfully dropped out of the rankings this week for being a
poser, but I can’t figure out why you are still getting votes in the
poll. 32-29 Rainbows in OT.
– A scoreless 1st half and a winless conference record. 49-14 Reno.
Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com
and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached